I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
