I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
