Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
