Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I pour the whiskey from now on
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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