You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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