just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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