Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
