Ketchup is God's man juice
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
