I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
