I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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