im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
