This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
