Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
