Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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