apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Everclear isn't food dammit
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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