it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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