My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
