Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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