**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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