Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
