its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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