Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
