Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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