you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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