can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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