Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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