You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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