as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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