How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
