Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
