hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
