Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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