you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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