He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
