So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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