Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
