she woke up with a sticky ear
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
