Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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