The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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