Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
