Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
