Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
