I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
