We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
