I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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