You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
