No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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