she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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