You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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