just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
