I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
