Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
