My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
