I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
