i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
