Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
