i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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