If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
