I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize