I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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